shouldnt have. just shouldnt have.

somehow, i wish i had been happier. grandma's really sick. i'm so worried about what would happen when i'm not around. i haven been okay since last week. so yea. its like, i've thought that some of those around me whom i love wouldnt understand me; guess i was wrong. grandma, you cant leave right now. not like this. you've gotta tell me what you want. you've never told me many things i wanted to hear. at least, i've not shown you things i wanted to. you cant leave me and go away right now. i'm in a bad shape. just stay a while more.

i haven felt like this since last year. its like everything's repeating itself... lord, i so wanna come out of it. i wanna have a peaceful life. but its like its not happening the way i want it to. is this what you want me to learn from? do you want me to learn from my mistakes and fight my own way out of this whole thing? i dont know what i should do. show me some signs.

i do love her... its just that i had to behave that way just to get answers. i wish she was here with me right now. but at the same time, i know she hates me. i'm sorry that i had to make it turn out that way. i had to do it. there wasnt any other way for me to get over you other than you telling me you hated me. i thought i couldnt. i didnt expect myself to keep longing for you to help me through my bad times... i've gotta fight it out by myself now... i hope i could leave everything behind me sooner...

ps. 24th decemeber; i prayed to you to look after grandma. bring me along to you faster. tell me when its time...

KANYA WEST - STRONGER

a new song i found

MY LORD, I PRAY FOR YOUR BLESSINGS

its been almost a year now since i went through the most horrible experience in my life. but during that time, i learnt to move forward. with support from my friends and family. no matter how bad time got, i managed to overcome any obstacles. but my lord, i've yet come across another obstacle in my blessed life. someone close to me, a family to me has been going through a lot recently. truthfully, i have not been able to look into his eyes. i'm afraid of acknowledging his pain. i dont want to accept that he's near defeat. i want to keep believing that i will know that he will be around for a longer time to give me the strength and the courage to keep going forward. but reality is harsh. my friend has been suffering for almost 7 months now. he's learnt that he has a possible that he's suffering from ALS. its term is Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. often referred to as "Lou Gehrig's disease, is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually lead to their death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed.

i always have feared that he might had been affected like this and my fear's been realised. i'm trying to remain as strong as i can. all i hope is that everything will be alrite. i pray that my prayers will be answered. i pray that grace will be given.

ITS AS SIMPLE AS THAT

heyooz. i decided to return back to blog about my life and its present. well, i've been told by many of my friends that i would listen to them and their problems, but i would never speak about anything bad that i was going through. haha, well i didnt really notice that actually. i haven thought about telling anyone about my problems, even now. i'm not sure why, but its like, i feel that even if i put what i was going through it words, it was still hard to explain what i really felt. at most they would get only 35% of the part. so yea. sometimes, its not really that easy to speak about things. so yea.

i'm sure anyone reading this would wanna know how i'm feeling right now while writing this. well, i feel great. so yea. my day was kinda alrite. two of my cousins came over. sis was out. so i was talking to them. i managed to talk to brammi for a while. its quite rare when the both of us have a conversation. so yea. but both of them were really quiet. i guess they noticed that i wasnt myself at all anymore. i'm getting older day by day. and sometimes, i dont even feel that i'm myself at times. so yea. i like doing things alone. the thing i really hate is when someone tells me to do something without thinking about the others. i wouldnt wanna say what or whom i'm angry with, but sometimes, when someone wants my cooperation, maybe it means, its time to get down to being respectful and nice when they need my help. so yea. secondly, i do things my way. so when you want my help, dont tell me how to do it. i'll do it the way i want to do. if you cant deal with it, do it yourself. anothing thing i'm pissed about when someone doesnt accept me for whom i am. i dont like hurting anyone in any way. one way or another, i keep things to myself. its not like you could do anything about it. my problem is my problem. deal with it. lastly, i hate anyone suspecting me or even saying stuffs that they think i'm thinking. its not as if anyone can read my mind. if you cannot digest that, i suggest, you shove off my path. i never did anything to you. so leave me alone. its as simple as that.

hey, ronan's back!

heyooz. i know i haven been around in a while and i decide that i should stop running away and maybe i should share what i've been doing the past few months. well basically, my life's changed alot. i'm going to go into NS soon and i've grown alot closer with my kins, especially with bert and grandma. grandma's alot better now. i haven been really staying close to her most of the time actually. maybe its because i feel like sometimes she's angry that she's feeling disabled. no one's talking to her like an elder. everyone's treating her like a child. so yupz. i bet she's been feeling grumpy about that. usually she'ed smile whenever i'm there. i guess its because i tell her my problems whenever i'm upset. grandma was once shocked when i told her that i was feeling really bad over what happened the past year. but she told me that i shouldnt be crying and i should just care about myself. so yea. maybe what grandma says is right. but i've got a new problem.


cherrioz

oooooo mama sita!

you know what? i enjoyed my day today. last nite was good. my laptop went haywire in the middle of the nite. so i decided to vent my anger by eating my mum's hidden cornetto chocoluv ice-cream. but the better part of the whole scenario was that bert and shalini were in a phone conference with me at that time. so yea, they talked to me and made me forget the whole lousy situation. so we decided to go out together in the morning, to TEKKA! muahahha. shalz hate the whole idea. but we had no choice actually. we had to cross tekka to go to sim lim square to get my laptop fixed up.

so we didnt exactly leave in the morning actually. i went to play street soccer instead. LOL. i had training. so we left at 3. and guess what. shalz cheated me and bert. she said that she was in braddel station(but the fact, she was actually waiting for us in little india station, soooo nice of her to make us the butt of the joke. lol. but it was nice).

so we started to walk to sim lim square, got there, found the shop and in the end, they gy checked the laptop and said it was working fine. soooo stupid! of course la, the laptop was working fine with him, but with me?????!!!! but yea, he told me to go to acer and check it out. so i told him ok. we left sim lim. on the way, i saw this hot girl, so i pointed at her and said SARAKKU really loudly. okay, sarakku means hot babe in tamil terms. so yea. she turned and stared at me, i'm not sure why, but you could say that fear was written in my face. i thought she was gonna punch me or something. but noooo, she followed me, smiling and talking nonsense with her friend. sheesh. so i was telling bert that she's behaving weirdly. all of us noticed. but we continued walking to the mrt again. we were gonna go to tan tock seng. so yea. went to meet my another cuzzin sister. so we met her and stuffs. i gave her my gameboy which she wanted badly. i'm not sure whats she planning to do with it. but i guess i need it back in two weeks. so yea

after meeting my cuzzin, we went to novena square for dinner at KFC. we spent time talking and stuffs, till my mum called. damn. she was making alot of noise. so i had to rush back home. good thing though, bert, nathan and shalu followed me to paya lebar. after reaching paya lebar, we split ways and i went to my grandma's house while the other 3 of them went back to kovan. so yea, i guess thats all that happened during the day.

i'll update the blog with more happenings soon. so just chill and tag me!

=)

love.LoVe.LOVE?

okay friends, its time to be a little serious in this post. i'm not sure why. the past few days have been agonising for me. i've been feeling really uncomfortable at my grandma's house. the maid's irritating me. my sis has been on my tail over her handphone ear piece. she wasnt even using it in the first place. and my body's been feeling weak and old all of a sudden. i'm not sure why. it could be that i've been pushing my body through my bodybuilding exercise regimes and near consistent soccer games. i've been trying to get into a fitter shape lately. so yeah. i've achieved more toning on my biceps on the shoulders and more shape on my calf muscles. but i've become more tired and weary. and its kinda depressing me because i'm really used to moving about steadily. but there's been one thing thats really annoying me, causing me to raise my point on the topic this time. so yea. i wanna get on with it. i'd not like to keep everyone waiting on my view. so yeah. i'm getting on with it.

well, i wanted to say what i thought about love. you know, the boyfriend girlfriend thingy? you could call it puppylove if you were below the age of 18 or anything. or you could call it infatuation if it isnt true love. another word for infatuation is lust. i know anyone in love or believes in love would call me a crazy or would probable think i'm a lousy person. but those reading this posting, PLEASE! just listen to my pleas and my words before you judge me.

i'm a believer in love. but i really do NOT believe that in this era we're living in true love is sacred. try asking any person who has a girlfriend. every person with a girlfriend or a boyfriend would say that they're a true lover. but try asking them this. do they know what it takes to be a true lover? what would you think they would say? lol. or maybe you need me to explain?

what do you think true love is? love at first sight? long distance love? puppy love? post love feelings for another person? maybe. i cant say that all these types of loves arent true. but lets say most of them arent. read my lips again. I SAY NONSENSE TO THE FACT THAT LOVE BETWEEN MOST COUPLES THESE DAYS ARE TRUE LOVE. dont tell me that love is based on just sweet words or sweet things you do for the opposide gender. utter rubbish. i've seen many couples, maybe enuff to say that most boyfriends and girlfriends arent serious about their relationships. i could even say that they're in one for the sake of having a girlfriend or a boyfriend. ever wondered why? pls dont blame your friends about it. blame yourself for not being wise enough to think about if you had a relationship when you were not serious, what damage you could do to yourself or the girl or the guy you're with. good that you might be thinking what damage you could do. well, realise this. your pride is at stake. imagine yourself with a girl or guy you were in a relationship with once upon a time. and in the future, you find a new relationship regardless of just another lover or your true soulmate. what if.... your partner had already even knew before of your last relationship? what if it was a bad past relationship? wouldnt you be in a dilemma that you would feel lost of pride and dignity. you might even feel that the person you're with might not trust you or like you sooner or later. i'm not trying to say that it might happen to everyone. it just might happen to anyone. it would be a nicer story if the person you're with is ready to put everything behind to be with you. but the truth is, being truthful and honest in a relationship is essential. even more important, when you pledged to be with someone, uphold the word you have given. you cannot expect everything to run smoothly. nothing runs smoothly when you arent serious in a relationship. the person you're with might be serious and when everything goes wrong, wont they be injustified? what justice is good if you're gonna get away for not being serious about love? and you wanna call it true love? WRONG!

if you're serious in love, good. but show it the way you wanna show. why should you listen to what others say in your relationship. only you and the person you're with matters in one relationship. but when you're in a relationship, pls dont expect a person to be all perfect. there isnt such a thing as a perfect relationship. nvm the fact that they have some flaws. dont you have any flaws? but at the same time too much flaws isnt good either. so what makes a person good but has flaws? someone who has the compassion to feel for another person. to understand that his actions has consequences and effects on others. if a person is able to keep everyone around himself happy, you could consider him or her reliable. but a person who thinks that he's reliable in theory, he's no good because he's only saying he's reliable. but where are the actions to show that he's reliable? for an instance, can you call yourself a true lover without knowing whats the meaning of the term true love? to understand true love, you need to understand that no one is perfect and each person has limitations. you cannot expect them to be in your standards. when it comes to love, you should never size up a person. so yea

another thing i wanna say. whats the use of being with someone and in the end, the person ends up not liking his opp number or ends up liking someone else? does anyone have a clue why do some smart people do that? dont they have a conscience that they might be hurting anyone? maybe if they did have a valid reason or something. but has anyone every tried to change a person they loved if they did wrong instead of leaving them in the ditch for some other person? so is this another term for true love? i dont think so. think about it friends. think hard. if you wanna be in a relationship, make sure you know that you know what you're doing and remember that its not a one man show. its takes two to clap. and it takes two to love. respect true love. not imitate it.