shouldnt have. just shouldnt have.

somehow, i wish i had been happier. grandma's really sick. i'm so worried about what would happen when i'm not around. i haven been okay since last week. so yea. its like, i've thought that some of those around me whom i love wouldnt understand me; guess i was wrong. grandma, you cant leave right now. not like this. you've gotta tell me what you want. you've never told me many things i wanted to hear. at least, i've not shown you things i wanted to. you cant leave me and go away right now. i'm in a bad shape. just stay a while more.

i haven felt like this since last year. its like everything's repeating itself... lord, i so wanna come out of it. i wanna have a peaceful life. but its like its not happening the way i want it to. is this what you want me to learn from? do you want me to learn from my mistakes and fight my own way out of this whole thing? i dont know what i should do. show me some signs.

i do love her... its just that i had to behave that way just to get answers. i wish she was here with me right now. but at the same time, i know she hates me. i'm sorry that i had to make it turn out that way. i had to do it. there wasnt any other way for me to get over you other than you telling me you hated me. i thought i couldnt. i didnt expect myself to keep longing for you to help me through my bad times... i've gotta fight it out by myself now... i hope i could leave everything behind me sooner...

ps. 24th decemeber; i prayed to you to look after grandma. bring me along to you faster. tell me when its time...